Archive for May, 2006

My Column

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Why-dunnit?

We all make mistakes. I also believe that we all are allowed our share of mistakes during our lifetime. We should, hence, err wisely, if I may say so. Therefore, watching 36, China Town would be a mistake 'wasted'. The directors have wasted one themselves!

Before I went for the movie itself, I was sceptical. And I said so. How good can a movie starring Shahid Kapur and Kareena Kapoor be? Obviously, not good at all. The plot is as inane and the acting, as 'hammy' as it can get. Set in Goa (yeah, right), the sets look straight out of the 1980s (remember Rakhwala?) and are tacky at best. Unfortunately, the same has to be said of the acting, direction and the cast.

So Shahid and Kareena want to spend more time together. This is real life we are talking about, by the way! So bam! They Abbas-Mustan to sign them up for this sorry excuse of a movie and spend a cool couple of months together. And get paid for it. Cost me Rs 200 for their vacation!

The story is simple. Isha Koppikar (Sonia Chang; Chang in Goa? Whatever) is the owner of a Casino and has a son who has been kidnapped/missing (this fact is not established as far as I was awake) for a while. She puts newspaper ads with his photo offering a reward of Rs 25 lakh. Shahid Kapur is an actor struggling in Mumbai. That he has a good Rs 10 lakh for a showreel (song happens here, btw) is a mystery deeper than the one the movie actually tackles. Kareena is a girl who has left home to be with her boyfriend in Mumbai and when she says "Let's get married", he coolly tells her to come back with Rs 50-60 lakh so he can start a business and if that is successful, they can marry. Why me?

These two are in a public place and Sonia Chang's son is generally wandering about (clean as any baby you may have ever seen despite crawling about and all) and these two chance upon him and become partners in his return and the prize money. Some nonsensical jokes, introduction of Paresh Rawal (warning: he is seen in only his undies for almost 5 mins in the movie and its not pretty), Johny Lever (ok performance), a half-naked Payal Rohatgi, Tanaz Currim (can't remember her new surname) and Upen Patel (Rocky the playboy. Whooppee!) later, it is time for samosas. Interval, you see.

Upen Patel is so rock solid that there are no expressions on his face. Almost. He does manage to move an eyebrow once in the second half (refer photo).

The point I make is that despite half the movie being over, the story has not moved. So finally, finally… there is a murder. Sonia Chang is killed and burgled. And of course, everyone is a suspect. And then there are twists, turns, alibis, romances and Akshaye Khanna. Why does he do these movies to himself?

The solution is as inane as you could ever imagine. I may as well give it away.

**SPOILER WARNING**

The butlers Mr and Mrs Lobo (I think they were Mr and Mrs) have done it. At this point, the movie seems to go into another realm altogether. Because I have left the theatre. Don't do this to yourself. Go catch Ice Age II again.

And did I mention the music is by Himesh Reshammiya? It's ok. But pretty similar to all his other songs. So if you have heard them once, it's ok. You've heard them all.

(Warning: Long and rambling sorts. Could be termed funny!) 

Earlier, I had written about a really ghastly Radio ad. Now I draw my sword on some pathetic TV spots. Both the ones I shall comment upon have superstars (lots of 'em) but no substance… so here goes:

Pepsi TV
Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Priyanka Chopra, Kareena (same as Kareina) Kapoor and two 1.5l bottles of Pepsi. Support cast unknown.
There was a promo by Frooti about 2 years or so ago about a fictitous character Digen Verma. And it created a helluva lot of hype. Because the ad simply asked "Who is Digen Verma?". The answer was "You". In a strange correlation of sorts, Pepsi TV was also built up similarly with Shahrukh Khan trying to tune his TV to receive "Pepsi TV". Hm. One was compelled to think whether Pepsi has indeed come up with their own channel… but then, the second part of the ad came and completely killed what seemed like an interesting concept.

"Pepsi peete peete jab aap TV dekhte hai, to usse Pepsi TV kehte hai". 

Please. Someone save me. And why did one need Kareena (or is it Kareina) Kapoor (KKappoorr, whatever) and Priyanka Chopra to say this inane line? Logically (nowhere in the picture yet, hence I introduce it!), this would apply to all things. So if you are eating chana and drinking Pepsi while watching TV, it's "Pepsi Chana TV". Pepsi + Rum would make it "Pepsi Rum TV" and so on. You get the drift, right?

And this would also apply to watching TV when say, having tea or scratching yourself or you know, getting cosy with someone. The first two are ok and gross respectively, but the I&B Ministry would never allow the third. For it would be known as "Cosy TV" or "Necking TV" or "Make Out TV" depending on the level of activity you are indulging in.

Now lets bring in a touch of science into this. Hopefully everyone is aware of the law of transitivity (for the non-scientifically-inclined, it says if a = b and b = c, then a = c). Now putting the logic and science to use (they work together so brilliantly, I tell you) we can infer that since Pepsi TV is what you see when drinking Pepsi and watching TV, and Make Out TV is well, you know what, and since that cannot be allowed, Pepsi TV also cannot exist. I wish. I would have been spared the insipid ads at least!

Lux Soap
Starring: Aishwarya Rai (cartoon also her) and three dumb-ass guys. 

Aishwarya Rai just did the rather well-done ad for Coca-Cola (she is doing a better job of it in ads than the movies, eh? Perhaps a return to roots or sorts, what?) and then she agrees to do this: become a nymphomaniacal-looking cartoon superheroine. Who flies around throwing frisbees.

Let's look at it positively, though. As a superheroine, what special powers does she possess? Frisbee throwing is one we know. The other is the ability to bathe (d-uh, this is for a soap) and the third would have to be switch between real and cartoon life at the drop of a soap, oops hat.

Nothing much to write about in the ad and the bottom line is that this is soap she is selling. So it's lavender in colour and makes Aishwarya look thinner and better 'filled up' in all the right areas (controlled environment, you see, in the drawing room). That apart, forget it. I prefer Dettol and Hamam. They are orange and green respectively. Also smell decent and have disinfectants for sure.

They do, right? 

Eddo Brandes v Glenn McGrath
circa mid- to late-90s

In a showdown of best pacers of two countries, Brandes made up for his complete absence of batting skills by displaying some great sense of humor and presence of mind. Aussie paceman Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwe number 11, Eddo Brandes—who was unable to get his bat anywhere near the ball.
McGrath, frustrated that Brandes was still at the crease, wandered up during one particular over and inquired: " Why are you so fat?"

Quick as a flash, Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Even the Aussie slip fielders were in hysterics.

That is quick wit. My guess is McGrath never went anywhere close to Brandes when he was batting again!

Disclaimer: This is not original content (not all of it, anyways) and has been taken from a mail forward. All copyrights rest with the original author(s)/compilors. Should any of them have objection to it, do let me know I will take this off. Let's not fight, ok!

Technorati Tags: sports, cricket, sledging, india, australia, mcgrath, brandes, test cricket, humor

Having truly enjoyed Ice Age (1 as it should be now called), I was really excited to catch the sequel (sure I’m 26, so what?). And I wasn’t entirely disappointed. Which means I was a little bit. More about that later.

The story is simple. There used to be ice. There is global warming. Ice is melting. The ecosystem shall change. Trust the truly creative to make this funny and worth sitting through! Hats off to the team that created this movie. The characters have largely been carried forward from the first part save the addition of a new romantic interest to Manny (Ray Romano), Ellie (Queen Latifah) and her ‘brothers’, Crash and Eddie.

That Ellie (a mammoth) believes she is a possum until Manny convinces her otherwise is perhaps the most hilarious part. Manny, for his part, is by now seriously concerned whether he is the last Mammoth left on earth, a question answered by Ellie’s presence and a large herd at the end of the movie. What happened to them later, is another question.

Most of the other cast play their part including the excellent Sid and Diego who complete this unusual ‘herd’ of a Mammoth, Saber and Sloth. The dialogues are brilliant as is the animation. In fact, it’s beyond excellent. As are the creative ideas for situations.

Take this for example: Scrat is still chasing the elusive nut when he finally gets his hands on it and decides to trek up to a nice icy table land. To achieve this, he uses the nut as a step… screwing it into the ice and climbing on it. Once he reached the top, all the holes he has created to climb up join themselves and a huge fault line is created leading to a huge chasm in the mountain. That it saves the entire animal kingdom from the flood is another issue! But using ‘join the dots’ here was as inspired an idea as I have ever seen.

The one main and perhaps only qualm I have is that there is no real story line taking the movie ahead. At best, this movie is a sequence of small incidents/jokes/situations (like sitcoms) that are strung together. Unlike the first one, this is a little more disjointed and the focus seemed on the characters and their behaviour more than the story. The story almost became secondary (despite the characters shouting it out all along!). This does allow for a lot of questions to be answered like Diego’s fear of water and Sid finding a whole herd of sloth as well… but these happen like incidents that are meant to stand out. Much like a TV series that would solve one issue at a time. They happen serially and not parallely… except maybe once.

Perhaps this is the way the movies appeal to the younger crowd, but one would have wanted more coherence all along.

But hey, there’s no compromise on the entertainment and Rs 100 was more than ‘vasool’. Must watch!
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Official site

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Tugga takes on Curtly
Trinidad

This has been one of the most hyped up of all personal confrontations on the field. Especially so since the truth of the matter came to light!

 

It really does not get any bigger than this, the two legendsof cricket came face to face, literally and engrossed in a verbal duel in a test match in Trinidad. All the juicy details were not to be known until Steve Waugh came out with his autobiography.

Ambrose repeatedly stared Waugh down during a searing spell, and Waugh, who sized up the towering Ambrose, said: " What the f*ck are you looking at?"

Ambrose was stunned because, as Waugh says (in his Autobiography), "no one had ever been stupid enough" to speak to him like that.

Ambrose replied, "Don't cuss me, man", before Waugh's response, which had nothing to do with bowling.

"Unfortunately, nothing inventive or witty came to mind, rather another piece of personal abuse: 'Why don't you go and get f*cked.' "

The Windies skipper Richie Richardson had a hard time keeping Ambrose from hurting the Aussie.

Wonder how that confrontation would have turned out! Too bad, Richie!

Disclaimer: This is not original content (not all of it, anyways) and has been taken from a mail forward. All copyrights rest with the original author(s)/compilors. Should any of them have objection to it, do let me know I will take this off. Let's not fight, ok!

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Right. Now I undestand that there are some funny people in the world. But what in the name of the goat, sheep and the ram is a goatonapolist?

Check out more info! Insane, man!

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